I used to have this game on our old Apple IIe that used to entertain me endlessly. It was a frighteningly dull game by today’s standards — no graphics whatsoever — just a cursor flashing on the text entry line:

Choose number of buses (0-99)? 99 (duh!)

Choose ramp angle (0-180 degrees) ummmm how about 45

Choose speed (0-100mph): okay, 100?

You were then invited to press the spacebar, which would compel our intrepid hero, Evel Kneivel, to race at whatever breakneck speed towards a ramp positioned just so, with a hope that he and his motorcycle would clear the 99 buses that you set up in his way.

Regardless of what combination of buses, speed, and ramp angle I chose, I would invariably crash and burn. So what exactly made this game so much fun? Why, the MEDICAL REPORT, of course! After every failed attempt, the program would calculate the extent of your injuries:

You have broken both arms, both legs, fractured your skull, cracked 5 ribs, and crushed your pelvis.

Would you like to try again?
For all of you out there who always answered a resounding YES!!, have I got some great news for you. Evel Knievel did not go the way of the Apple IIe. He still exists in collectible form, and is waiting to perform whatever cunning stunts you can contrive for him, in full 3 dimensional plastic glory.

Check it out:   Evel Knievel

So these guys are up to something interesting. Having recently entered the world of nanotechnology and quantum physics, the sudden awareness of this verbotensphere does’t really surprise me — I’ve been primed for alternate universes.

How beautiful is this:

   Most people probably have some trouble understanding the appeal of spending the night marching up and down a dark, wet cement tube — at least until they try it for themselves. I can’t say for sure, but I suspect draining offers many of the same mind-expanding benefits as being in a sensory depravation tank. There are many things to sense in a drain, of course, like the wonderful smell, the steady, echoed slap-splash of explorers marching through the water in unison, and the sight of uniform concrete tubes stretching towards infinity in either direction. At one point Persephone asked Sean if he thought the drain was getting smaller, and he replied that either the drain was getting smaller or we were getting bigger. In such an unnatural environment, there was really no way for us to determine which was true, as there was nothing “real” we could look at to restore our natural sense of proportion. With nothing real to correct my mental processes, it was a simple mental trick for me to imagine that gravity had shifted and that we were walking on the ceiling, or marching straight down the pipe towards the centre of the earth.

linkage: infiltration…

I have an enormous respect for using things outside of their intended purpose. I get so much satisfaction from seeing things for what they are, rather than just what they are made for. Example: using a treadmill to run upon vs doing what these folks have done. This video is absolutely superb.

magpied from paradineshift

Here’s another gem that I received via email. Aah the ubiquitous forward.. I am constantly astounded by the number of these bloody things that I receive. This one deserves a place in the bad rhetoric hall of fame:

From the daughter of a Soldier…

Last week I was in Trenton, Ontario, attending a conference [presumably the National Rifle Association, Canadian Branch]. While I was in the airport, returning home [to Alberta, where I own a Humvee dealership] , I heard several people behind me beginning to clap and cheer. I immediately turned around and witnessed one of the greatest acts of patriotism I have ever seen. Moving through the terminal was a group of soldiers in their camo’s, as they began heading to their gate everyone (well almost everyone) [except for those filthy peaceniks] was abruptly to their feet with their hands waving and cheering.

When I saw the soldiers, probably 30-40 of them, being applauded and cheered for, it hit me. I’m not alone. [Of course not asshole, you’re in an airport] I’m not the only red blooded Canadian who still loves this country and supports our troops and their families. [As opposed to those reptilian Canada haters who don’t support Canada’s military participation in foreign lands] Of course I immediately stopped and began clapping for these young unsung heroes who are putting their lives on the line everyday for us so we can go to school, work and home without fear or reprisal [from those TERRORISTS we keep hearing about?? Bollocks.] Just when I thought I could not be more proud of my country or of our servicemen and women a young girl, not more than 6 or 7 years old, ran up to one of the male soldiers. [cue violins…] He kneeled down and said “hi,” the little girl then she asked him if he would give something to her daddy for her. The young soldier, he didn’t look any older than maybe 22 himself, said he would try and what did she want to give to her daddy. Then suddenly the little girl grabbed the neck of this soldier, gave him the biggest hug she could muster and then kissed him on the cheek. [Awwww!]

The mother of the little girl, who said her daughters name was Courtney [can’t you just picture her little blonde curls?], told the young soldier that her husband was a Corporal and had been in Afghanistan for 11 months now [bombing it back to the stone age in the name of peace or oil or in search of Saddam Bin Laden or somebody]. As the mom was explaining how much her daughter, Courtney, missed her father, the young soldier began to tear up [Well shucks ma’am]. When this temporarily single mom was done explaining her situation, all of the soldiers huddled together for a brief second. Then one of the other servicemen pulled out a military looking [expensive, oil-powered?] walkie-talkie. They started playing with the device and talking back and forth on it [Hello Afghanistan? Is Chuck there?]. After about 10-15 seconds of this, the young soldier walked back over to Courtney, bent down and said this to her, “I spoke to your daddy and he told me to give this to you.” He then hugged this little girl that he had just met and gave her a kiss on the cheek [no tongue]. He finished by saying “Your daddy told me to tell you that he loves you more than anything and he is coming home very soon.” [as long as Mr Harper doesn’t send him to Lebanon or Iran or whoever else is on George W’s hitlist]. The mom at this point was crying almost uncontrollably and as the young soldier stood to his feet he saluted Courtney and her mom [huge cinematic crescendo…]. I was standing no more than 6 feet away as this entire event unfolded. As the soldiers began to leave, heading towards their gate, people resumed their applause. As I stood there applauding and looked around, there were very few dry eyes, including my own. That young soldier in one last act of selflessness, turned around and blew a kiss to Courtney with a tear rolling down his cheek [is that tear for little Courtney or for himself?]. We need to remember everyday all of our soldiers and their families and thank God for them and their sacrifices. At the end of the day, it’s good to be a Canadian. [O Canaduh!]

RED FRIDAYS —– Very soon, you will see a great many people wearing Red every Friday. The reason? [Consume and conform??] Canadians who support our troops used to be called the “silent majority”. We are no longer silent, and are voicing our love for God, country and home in record breaking numbers [God is on our side!!]. We are not organized, boisterous or over-bearing [hmm]. We get no liberal media coverage on TV, to reflect our message or our opinions. Many Canadians, like you, me and all our friends, simply want to recognize that the vast majority of Canada supports our troops [Everybody’s doin it! You should too!!] . Our idea of showing solidarity and support for our troops with dignity and respect starts this Friday – and continues each and every Friday until the troops all come home, sending a deafening message that.. Every red-blooded Canadian who supports our men and women afar will wear something red. By word of mouth, press, TV — let’s make Canada on every Friday a sea of red much like a homecoming football game in the bleachers [Glory glory hallelujah]. If every one of us who loves this country will share this with acquaintances, co-workers, friends, and family, it will not be long before Canada is covered in RED and it will let our troops know the once “silent” majority is on their side more than ever [we gladly will sacrifice your lives to protect the wealth and power of our leaders] certainly more than the media lets on. [Those filthy peaceniks.] The first thing a soldier says when asked “What can we do to make things better for you?” is “We need your support and your prayers.” [I would have thought it would be “Send us HOME!!”] Let’s get the word out and lead with class and dignity [guffaw!], by example; and wear something red every Friday. THEIR BLOOD RUNS RED—- SO WEAR RED! — Lest we Forget.

**********

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. Wake up.

Since returning to the frozen homeland I have been floored by the kind of unbelievably closed-minded discourse that I’ve been blundering into. It actually started loooong before I got here, in the form of this forwarded email:

IMMIGRANTS, NOT Canadians, MUST ADAPT.

IMMIGRANTS, NOT Canadians, MUST ADAPT.

I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. [Heaven forbid!] Since the terrorist attacks on Sept. 11, we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Canadians. However, the dust from the attacks had barely settled when the “politically correct!”crowd [those filthy peaceniks] began complaining about the possibility that our patriotism was offending others. I am not against immigration, nor do I hold a grudge against anyone who is seeking a better life by coming to Canada [just as long as they look, act, and believe exactly like I do]. Our population is almost entirely made up of descendants of immigrants [EXACTLY!]. However, there are a few things that those who have recently come to our country, and apparently some born here, need to understand [Oh do educate me.]. This idea of Canada being a multicultural community has served only to dilute our sovereignty and our national identity [wuh?]. As Canadians we have our own culture, our own society, our own language and our own lifestyle [hmm...debatable]. This culture has been developed over centuries of struggles, trials, and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom [The freedom to consume and conform, just like the rest of the first world]. We speak ENGLISH/FRENCH, not Spanish, Portuguese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society, learn the language! [How else can you read the TV guide?]

“We Stand On Guard For Thee” is our national motto. This is not some Christian, right wing, political slogan.. [It isn't??] We adopted this motto because Christian men and women, on Christian principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly documented. ["Do unto others unless they're different from you" and "Thou shalt not steal. Except land." History is clearly written by the victors.] It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. [Sig Heil!] If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home because God is part of our culture. We are happy with our culture and have no desire to change, [evolve??] and we really don’t care how you did things where you came from [because this is the centre of the universe and nothing else matters and as long as you keep providing us with cheap labour and oil, we don't give a sweet patoot].

This is OUR COUNTRY, our land, and our lifestyle. But once you are done complaining……. whining…… and griping……. about our flag……. our pledge…… our national motto……..or our way of life….I highly encourage you to take advantage of one other Great Canadian Freedom……. THE RIGHT TO LEAVE

******

So this engaged my rage a little. I received this only a few months before I brought my ‘foreign devil’ partner with me back to Texas, er I mean Alberta, to do the family meet and greet. While I won’t say that this was the exact mentality we encountered, I will admit to being staggered by my first real taste of good old western redneckism in quite a few years. (Tastes like crude oil). Yeah.